Space Potato

2006-11-30T23:56:00.000-05:00

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2006-11-30T23:55:00.000-05:00

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Quick Update

2006-11-22T02:36:00.000-05:00

Looks like our site host didn't keep a backup database of the forum. Cory is working on getting something up in his spare time... I think. There's not much other news really. I'll post up the whole story when we finally get a forum up and running again. An empty forum... :(

BRING BACK THE FARM!

2006-11-16T22:30:00.000-05:00

Yeah I know, Aric and I both know, The Farm is down. You think we didn't fucking notice or something? What kind of callous monsters do you think we are? I mean seriously, we love the Potato Farm as much as all of you, perhaps even more. So don't you for one fucking second think that we don't care!

So anyhow, something happened with the billing on the site, something about Aric's billing address changing and all that bullshit. Well, that's been resolved and the main site is back up, but of course no one seems to care you heartless bastards.

But Aric's having some technical issues with our beloved Farm so if anyone out there who has vast computer knowledge wants to help out and get this shindig up and running again, let us all know.

Peace

What's So Alien About Inalienable Rights? by N.S. Barnes

2006-11-11T01:31:00.000-05:00

So on Tuesday the nation put a check and a balance on the runaway train of oppression known simply as the Bush Administration. While I was of course happy about this outcome, I couldn't help but shake my head at a couple of propositions that passed here in Arizona.

We had the most propositions of any state, numbering 19 total. Which basically meant that there was reading required and so that obviously gave the advantage to the Democrats in some districts. But the ones dealing with immigration had me wondering whether the "conservative" populace really understood what is was doing.

Proposition 100: "That measure would prohibit bail for any person who is charged with a serious felony offense if the person entered or remained in the United States illegally."

This is not fair treatment under the law. Being an illegal resident is simply a misdemeanor. But if a citizen commits a misdemeanor, then a felony, he is granted or denied bail based on the felony offense. Why does a certain type of misdemeanor warrant such harsh, and unfair action?

Proposition 102: "That measure would prohibit a person who wins a civil lawsuit from receiving punitive damages if the person is present in this state is an illegal immigrants."

Punitive damages aren't some gift that a jury or judge awards a plaintiff, it is a punishment against the defendant who has been found responsible. So, if some guy finds an illegal's car and smashes it all to shit, he must pay the damages, but the plaintiff is unable to ask for punitive damages, and a jury is not allowed to award them.

The concept of inalienable human rights was of course championed by one of our nation's founders, Thomas Jefferson. The entire idea is actually a fairly conservative libertarian one at that.

People are bestowed certain rights regardless of what city, county, state, country, or nomadic community. That's what it's all about. Most conservatives would agree until you hit the country part. In essence, they are hypocritical of the entire platform of inalienable rights in much the same way our country was toward blacks for that unpleasant first part of our history.

Now, I guess it's the immigrant's turn to be mangled by the double-speak of the conservative noise machine. Inalienable rights......for U.S. citizens only.

Space Potato Election Night Coverage

2006-11-01T22:23:00.000-05:00

Just a heads up to the four of you who still bother to check here even though Seth and I have been extremely lazy: Space Potato is going to do some election night coverage! I'll be hosting a chatroom and a shoutcast internet radio for the event from 9PM through however long I can stay awake.

I'll have some more info up here and on the forums in the coming days. Basically I'll chat a little bit about the news from various sources about the election and I'll be playing music by request all night, so be sure to free up some time and tune in! I'll post more in a few days.

Bush's Left Hand Man

2006-08-09T18:11:00.000-04:00

The most exciting state primary.... uhm.... ever is over. Joe Lieberman, Connecticut's incumbent senator who is notoriously pro-war and pro-Bush regime lost in the state's democratic primary on Tuesday. Lamont's only real stance of any difference to Lieberman's was his decidedly anti-war message, calling out Joe and making him flounder on some tough questions. Lamont basically told the state's dems, "I don't think this guy is much of a democrat dudes." It apparently worked. Lamont's win sent Jose screaming to run as an independent in the November election.

Though I begrudgingly supported Lieberman's bid at the V.P. with Gore in 2000, I was never much of a fan. Joe is so middle of the road that he has multiple traffic violations. What irks me, as a huge nerd™, is the fact that at the drop of a hat Lieberman blames the countries ills on things like video games. Not that I don't think this of many politicians, but Joe seems far too eager to go with the croud and say things that sound good on a news reel rather than passionately fight for things he actually believes in.

So he's running as an independent and if the polls are accurate, he'll probably win. But hey, at least the democats of Connecticut got the send a message. A mesage that most of us will have to wait another few months for: This war is unjust. Everyone who had a in it, on either side of the aisle, should have consequences to pay for. One down, many others to go.

There is a great conversation about this and other midterm elections going on in our forums, check it out!

AntiMatt 8/9/06 10:35AM - "Last night, likeable Joe Lieberman was just barely beaten by Communist Ned Lamont and his band of ultra-liberal hackers and bloggers. Here is a stock photograph of Ned Lamont in full devil regalia split-screened with Joe Lieberman kissing a baby..."

PseudoIntellectual 8/9/06 5:14PM - "Yeah, they have some good ones. Actual Fox News line: "HAVE THE DEMOCRATS FORGOTTEN THE LESSONS OF 9/11." They were also saying that Lieberman won the "blue collar areas" when he actually lost in said areas. Nice try, Fox."

"Signing Statements" by N.S. Barnes

2006-06-26T23:52:00.000-04:00

Let's say for instance you're the president and congress has just passed a law that says that green dildos are now illegal. But hey, you really like green dildos. You just love violating American citizen's privates with your green dildo, or maybe you're even getting a little kinkier and torturing them with your green dildo. But you've got a problem, you can't veto the bill, because that pesky congress has the numbers and the power to override your veto. You know congress, your direct representatives in the government.

Your love of green dildos looks to be in distress. You have two more options: you can either abstain from signing and let it be ushered in anyhow, or you can bite the bullet (or green dildo), and sign the damn thing into law. Oh but wait a minute. You're the PRESIDENT! You can do one more thing when you sign the bill, you can add a Signing Statement!

Now traditionally presidents have used signing statements like, "Super Dooper Law Dudes!" or "Yeah, I think letting women vote is a super terrific thing for our country!" But lately, signing statements have been a way for presidents to assert their mighty executive powers (that they really aren't given in the constitution) to basically wipe their asses with the bill they've just signed in a symbolic "Fuck You!" to congress. Congress, you know, our direct representatives in the government.

So instead of wallowing in self pity over the loss of your green dildo, you can add a signing statement that says, "Yeah, but not my green dildo." or "Well, okay green dildos are illegal but not in a time of war." So you can keep ramming American citizens in the ass with your green dildo for many many years to come.

Up until Ronald Reagan, there had been a total of 75 signing statements added by presidents and most of them were of the "Golly gee willikers guys, swell law!" type. Then old Ronnie came in and realized the importance of his green dildo. George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton also realized that they could lose their green dildos as well. Between the three of them, they added 247 dildo saving signing statements.

Now we come to George W. Bush. He hasn't vetoed a single bill in his entire 6 years in office. Instead, he's added a whopping 750 signing statements to bills that congress has passed. For those of you who are bad with numbers, that's 100 times the number of signing statements by all the presidents before Reagan. That's 750 times he's basically told congress, you know, our direct representatives in the government, to go fuck themselves, and has pushed the balance of power over to the executive branch. Now you talk about a guy who really likes his green dildo! Holy shit.

Signing Statements in the News
More on the History and Legality of Signing Statements from Wikipedia
Dildo

"Penny For Your Thoughts" by N.S. Barnes

2006-06-13T20:15:00.000-04:00

From the good folks over at Yahoo:

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A U.S. district court judge on Monday dismissed a lawsuit brought by a California atheist against the U.S. government for its use of the phrase "In God We Trust" on its coins and currency.

Now, here's my two cents (the first coin to have the God motto was the 2 cent piece, nice pun eh?), I don't really give a shit. Honestly you could have a portrait on the back of the 10 dollar bill of baby Jesus being born with Alexander Hamilton consuming the placenta, and I really wouldn't care. It simply won't affect me when I hand it to the pimple faced kid with the crossed eyes at Carl's Jr. Do I think that "In God We Trust" is a violation of separation of church and state? Probably, but I can tolerate this one. That's right, I'm tolerant of other people's religious beliefs. And if they want to print a little phrase on a coin to make themselves feel better about spreading their "word", then they can go right ahead, but don't play dumb when we point out what you're doing.

How many people really look at coins? I use to, afterall I had a pretty cool coin collection when I was a kid. Why? Well some kids were starting rock bands, others skate boarded, some joined the football team, but I thought I would go ahead and sabotage any chances I had at getting laid before college by collecting coins. It worked. But other than that I would say a majority of the population never really looks at coins. In fact only a couple of years ago did a friend ask, "Hey why does this quarter have a picture of a racecar on it?". I explained the State Quarter Act, and he replied, "When the hell did they start that? 1999? Shit man." Shit man indeed. People rarely look at currency. And when they do, they're usually "on weed".

If you know anything about coins and currency, you will know that the "In God We Trust" tripe didn't start until the middle of the 19th century shortly after the Civil War, or what I like to call, The First Time The South Became a Pain in the Ass. It isn't suprising since war seems to bring out the best religious wackos. The die was cast and it was done.

This of course led to much irony (or coppery) when in 2000 the U.S. Mint decided to release the new Dollar Coin with a Native American woman, Sacagawea, with the motto stamped clearly next to her head as our last slap in the face to their culture. Take that you pagan savages! Even more ironically, it's usually these coins that frequent casinos run by...yeah you get the picture.

But isn't it interesting that we would place such a motto on our money. Is this really the one we pray to, or prey to. Pat Robertson I'm looking in your direction! That's a different topic for a different time though.

But here was this guy's argument:

Newdow claimed that by using coins and currency bearing the phrase, he is forced to carry religious dogma, proselytise and evangelise for monotheism.

Well I think Newdow is creating a false dichotomy here, and it's not as simple as flipping a coin. The problem is, you really aren't forced to do it. He might have made a better case 30 years ago, but there are checks, credit cards and debit cards out there now. You have secular options when it comes to capitalism! And it's not as if you have to look at it. And when is the last time you held out a hand of change and someone said "Oh you must be a Christian."? This just isn't a strong argument.

I was just about to completely understand why the judge struck this down when the he goes and says something stupid like this:

Judge Frank Damrell of the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of California held in his opinion that "In God We Trust" is secular in nature and use, and its appearance on coins and currency does not show government coercion on behalf of monotheism.

What? Are you fucking kidding me!? "In God We Trust" is somehow secular? The very use of the word God presents itself as limiting the statement to monotheism. Also, remember when I talked earlier about the end of the Civil War? Well here's the whole story from Wikipedia, which in I do trust.

The motto In God We Trust was placed on United States coins largely because of the increased religious sentiment existing during the American Civil War. Secretary of the Treasury Salmon P. Chase received many appeals from devout Christians throughout the country, urging that the United States recognize God on United States coins.

This doesn't show some "government coercion on behalf of monotheism.", but it definitely proves the inverse. Which, guess what, shows that monotheists were simply using the government as a proxy.

Like I said though, if they want to put their mouth where their money is, fine, I don't really care. But don't pass the buck and tell me it's secular and don't even attempt to tell me the people responsible didn't have motives and agendas and used our government to subtly carry them out. So my advice to those who do find this offensive, use your debit card. At least banks and corporations can still be counted on to be ungodly.

A penny saved is a... hello? Is anyone there?

2006-05-17T00:41:00.000-04:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060516/ap_on_fe_st/power_off_penny

Thought this was pretty funny. Sorry for the two month hiatus. I hope to start updating fairly regularly again. Though I suppose I've said that before. I was thinking of posting some thoughts of some political themed books that I've read recently, but most of the books I'm just getting to reading now have been out for a couple of years. For now, I leave you with the penny lady.

FLINT, Mich. - It was just a penny, but to Consumers Energy it was enough to cut off power in a local home. Jacqueline Williams, 41, of Flint had an electricity bill of $1,662.08 and paid all of it, except for one cent. That wasn't enough for the power company, which blacked her out for seven hours Wednesday.

The CMS Energy Corp. subsidiary told Williams the power would not be turned on until the penny was received.

"I went down there, paid my penny and got a receipt," Williams told The Flint Journal.

Shortly after, the electricity was turned back on.

Meat

2006-03-19T02:23:00.000-05:00

That is all.

Dear Customers

2006-03-05T19:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Customers,

I think it's really great that you decided to come into my store. Hell, without you, I wouldn't have a job, but there are a few things I think we should talk about. I'm going to go ahead and itemize them in this letter, just for you.

1.) If your kid is having a tantrum in the middle of the aisle you have one of two options. Give them what they want or take them outside. There is no "ignore it" option, you ignorant prick.

2.) On this subject. If your child touches any food or beverage item to their mouth, you're going to fucking pay for it. This is especially true if there are bites missing. Just because they put it back doesn't mean I didn't see them eat it.

3.) Specific to Blockbuster, I know, but if it's not on the fucking shelf, it's not in. Get over it, get something else, and move on.

4.) I know the prices suck, but myself and my staff of acne ridden teenagers have no input whatsoever on that topic. That concern is best directed at the nearest wall.

5.) I don't care how your day is going. I might ask and hell, sometimes I might even seem interested. Protip: It's because I'm paid to seem interested. I don't care about the death in the family, your herpes flare up, or little Timmy vomiting all over the first base umpire. Get your shit, follow my simple directions, and get the fuck out.

6.) Listen, comprehend, then ask your question. When asked to hit the green button to accept your credit card purchase, it's probably best not to ask which one the green button is. Protip: Colorblind individuals can disreguard this example.

7.) Your trash is not my trash. Though you may just throw your empty packs of Redman on the floor next to the switch you beat your wife with at home, throw it in the fucking trash can at my establishment.

8.) When you are on your cellphone at checkout, I will go out of my way to ask you as many questions as obnoxiously loud as I can. If you give me the "one second" hand motion I will ask the next person in line to approach the counter. Hang up and call them back you rude fuck.

9.) I have a more severe loathing of you than my cashiers do. Go ahead and ask to speak to the manager. You'll find more sympathy from them than you will with me.

10.) I'm impressed that you can spray a shit fountain halfway up the wall and nearly approaching the ceiling, but let's try not to do that so much in my bathrooms.

11.) If you knock something over, break something, pick something up you actually didn't want, or spill anything in the store, do your best to clean it up. I saw you put it back where it didn't belong and now I hate you and everyone who looks like you.

12.) Have what you need ready when you get to the counter. When I ask for payment, it's best to know how you're going to pay and avoid staring at me like I just kicked your grandmother in the crotch. Have your method of payment out along with any other coupons or discount cards right at the start.

13.) There is a handle on the door for a reason, use it to both open and hold open the door for others.

14.) Let me finish the job I'm doing before I start helping you. If I'm handling another customer hold your excrement for another 30 seconds before asking for the restroom key. If I have a giant stack of stock that I'm carrying to be put back, let me fucking put it back and don't ask me where something is located.

15.) Find your own god damn phone to use. The one I have here is mine and it's a huge pain in the ass to let you use it.

And finally and most importantly,

16.) Your children are not allowed in the store by themselves. Period.

I hope that we maybe understand each other a little better now. I know that I feel good just discussing some issues that you need to work on. Hell, at least our lines of communication are open and unfettered. I'll put an extra special surprise in your bag next time I see you in the store.

Love,
Badfish

"A Threesome With The Lord" by N.S. Barnes

2006-01-22T00:23:00.000-05:00

So I'm flipping channels again and I land on the right wing religous wacko channel run by Pat Robertson. Hopefully I could catch another episode of Kirk Cameron cruising through the streets of San Francisco with some British dude, and trying to tell a shemale that "she" is in violation of God's law.

But alas this was not to be. They were playing an old episode of Billy Graham from what appeared to be either late 70's or early 80's. Billy was talking about how God enters the sex life of a couple who shares a love for Christ. And I said, "Well holy shit I have to watch this."

Let me just say that of all the t.v. preachers, Billy Graham gets most of my respect. He seems fairly open minded for a Christian, and never resorts to wishing hurricanes on people, or assassination of heads of state.

So Billy continued to say, "Did you know that? That God enters into the sexual relationship of two people who love God?" I'm paraphrasing from here on out, but basically he went on to say that God makes sex all the better, and exciting and erotic and hot, and steamy and passionate, and gooey and nasty and fun. Well okay. So every single Hindu has shitty sex? Muslims do not enjoy sex? In fact, to them sex is like cauliflower. Bland and nasty.

I'm wondering what exactly God does to make sex so much more hot for Christians? Does he provide extra lube? Does he maybe finger the dude's butthole while he's banging his proper wide hipped female? Perhaps god creates vibrations in the vacinity of the sliding sexual organs. Who knows.

But what I'm wondering is, does God get off on this himself? If so, he must be into DP.

Space Potato Death Pool 2006

2005-12-29T17:38:00.000-05:00

That's right, it's the first Space Potato Death Pool! I'm going to be giving away some cash and we're going to have some fun. Stop by the forum, register yourself an account, and send in your picks! Quick, only three days left!

The Official Space Potato Death Pool 2006

EDIT: The Deadline for submissions has been extended an extra week in hopes that more of you cretins will join up. So get on the ball and get your lineup in by January 8th!

George Bush In Office Extra Second

2005-12-25T17:57:00.000-05:00

Happy Christmas everyone! Nothing of substance to post today, except for this incredibly cool article. 2005 is an extra second longer. Enjoy it by punching someone you love.

I PROMISE THIS IS NOT A LINK TO CATENEMA.COM

Get ready for a minute with 61 seconds. Scientists are delaying the start of 2006 by the first "leap second" in seven years, a timing tweak meant to make up for changes in the Earth's rotation.

The adjustment will be carried out by sticking an extra second into atomic clocks worldwide at the stroke of midnight Coordinated Universal Time, the widely adopted international standard, the U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology said this week.

"Enjoy New Year's Eve a second longer," the institute said in an explanatory notice. "You can toot your horn an extra second this year."

Puntastic Title - Friday, Dec 23rd

2005-12-23T14:27:00.000-05:00

Here I am again for the second week in a row bringing you the news you probably didn't really need to know, but now you can bring up in casual conversation to appear "with it" or "on the ball" with odds-and-ends current events.

Top Three News Stories of the Week
(12/17/05 - 12/23/05)

3.) Santa is Dead - Substitute teacher pulls out and consumes the hearts of a class of six year olds.

Quoth the article, "Farrisi doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, and she doesn’t think anyone else should, either. She made her feelings clear to the classroom full of 6- and 7-year-olds, some of whom went home crying.

Schaeffer got off the school bus later that day, dragging her backpack in the mud, tears in her angry little eyes.

“She yelled at me, ‘Why did you lie?’” recalled Jamey’s mother, Elizabeth. “‘Why didn’t you tell me Santa Claus died?’"

2.) I'd Bin Her Laden - Osama's niece takes us to funky town.

Quoth the article, "Dufour, who adopted her mother's maiden name after the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks that have been blamed on bin Laden, appears in several provocative photos in the magazine.

The pictures are likely to be considered obscene by conservative Muslims in and outside of Saudi Arabia where women are required to be veiled."

1.) Letterman Mind Control - Dave transmits secret love signals to crazy lady through the gap in his teeth.

Quoth the article, "A state judge granted a temporary restraining order to Colleen Nestler, who alleged in a request filed last Thursday that Letterman has forced her to go bankrupt and caused her "mental cruelty" and "sleep deprivation" since May 1994.

Nestler requested that Letterman, who tapes his show in New York, stay at least 3 yards away and not "think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and hammering."

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK KIDDIES!

"Deep Fristing" A Senatorial Christmas Tale by N.S. Barnes

2005-12-23T02:15:00.000-05:00

Bill Frist is a medical doctor, just like Howard Dean. Unlike Howard Dean though, Bill Frist is a quack. A looney dishonest quack who masturbates while thinking about all the stocks he has in insurance and pharmaceutical companies. "Oh yeah Pfizer, you know how to turn me on, oh hey Merck, when did you show up? Join the party, oh yeah, there you go, don't be afraid now, it could be your friend..." Yep, that's what it sounds like to the person with his ear to Bill Frist's senate office door after 8 PM when Senator Ted Stevens finishes taking a dump on a picture of an endangered Musk Oxen.

During the whole Terri Schiavo ordeal, Bill Frist decided to play doctor, and toss the Hippocratic Oath out his window where it landed on a baby caribou that Ted Stevens had strategically placed below it. Yep, Dr. Frist was in the office and he was going to get involved and save this already brain dead woman's soul.

"But how?" he muttered.

Senator Ted Stevens butted in, "How about we drill ANWR?"

"Not now Ted, that isn't going to do anything." he replied with annoyance. Stevens had been on him about this ANWR thing for months now. Dr. Frist had bigger mammals to fry.

"Alright Bill, fine, I've got an idea, but if I tell you about it, you have to help me drill in ANWR and create an ecological disaster area the likes of which the world has never seen. It'll make Exxon Valdez look like that semen stain on your Pfizer Stock Certificate that you sold at just the right time."

"Okay Ted, what do you have in mind?"

The next day Senator Stevens showed up with a video of Terri Schiavo lingering in her bed.

"Alright Bill, here's what you do, you watch the video, and then tell everyone you're a doctor and..."

"But Ted, I am a doctor."

"Right, whatever Bill. So anyway, you make a diagnosis based solely on this videotape, and tell everyone she's clearly alive."

"Jeepers Ted, that's a great idea!"

So Frist did a video examination which borders on voodoo science. The very next year, Ted got his Christmas present. A rider on a military funding bill that would allow drilling in ANWR. Ted was so excited that he bit the head off of an Arctic Fox.

But there was trouble afoot, and the lousy Grinch Kerry pulled out the rule book and stated that a rider like ANWR had no place on a military spending bill. Ted ranted and raved, and shot a polar bear with a crossbow.

"Do something Bill!"

But Frist was left weak from sagging poll numbers, and Ted did not get his permission to drill.

Still, to this day, some people claim they still hear Ted Stevens cursing the name of Bill Frist, and micro waving migratory bird eggs in his office.

Puntastic Title

2005-12-16T15:58:00.000-05:00

Hurray! I'm finally going to have a regular update schedule at least one day a week. Every Friday I'm going to post the three best news stories of the week, from the desk of me, Captain Awesome.

If you have any off the wall or cool news stories that you'd like to link me to, feel free to stop by the The Stump and post away or you can email me at 35to1odds at gmail.com.

This blog was written in front of a live studio audience.

Top Three News Stories of the Week
(12/9/05 - 12/16/05)

3.) Smokey the Owl - Owl hiding in Christmas tree knows how many licks it takes to properly seal a joint.

Quoth the article, "Curiously enough, the owl's feathers smelled very, very potently like marijuana," one officer said. "And it was laying there as happy as can be."

The officers examined the owl and determined it was "stoned."

Blood tests performed on the bird confirmed it was high. Officials don't know how the owl ingested the marijuana."

2.) Sex Boat - Daunte Culpepper drops his anchor in a sea of trouble. Brad Johnson takes command.

Quoth the article, "Crew members complained that some people took off their clothes and engaged in public sex acts during the cruise, according to Stephen Doyle, an attorney representing the boat owners, Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises in Mound. The crew members identified 17 Vikings among about 90 people on the two boats."

1.) Patriot Flak - Thanks a lot dudes. I owe you one.

Quoth the article, "The Senate on Friday refused to reauthorize major portions of the USA Patriot Act after critics complained they infringed too much on Americans' privacy and liberty, dealing a huge defeat to the Bush administration and Republican leaders.

In a crucial vote early Friday, the bill's Senate supporters were not able to get the 60 votes needed to overcome a filibuster by Sens. Russ Feingold, D-Wis., and Larry Craig, R-Idaho, and their allies. The final vote was 52-47."

"Jesus Marx" by N.S. Barnes

2005-12-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

Jesus was a socialist. That’s right. There I said it. Jesus hated capitalism and a free market economy, and if Jesus ever does comes back, he’s going to be fucking pissed off. Because most of the world’s “sins” are a direct result of the abuse of capitalism. Murder, lust, envy, and so on are things I think Jesus might be a little upset about. The root cause of all this? The lack of socialism that he and his disciples lived by.

A variety of excerpts and passages from the bible illustrate his distaste for capitalism. Remember when he totally fucked up the money changers? Yeah he despised banks and other institutions that took advantage of his fellow man, especially if it took place inside a temple. I will translate the text into a more modern dialect.

Matthew 21:12 Jesus went into the temple, and didn’t like what shiznit was going down, so he commenced to fuck shit up.
Matthew 21:13 “You foos can’t be changing money in this place. It use to be a place where a nigga could come to pray, now it’s nothing more than an effed up jack house. “

Then Jesus goes out and cures some sick people and doesn’t charge them for it. Cause he wanted universal health care. And when I say universal, I mean it literally.

Jesus and his disciples completely shared all their possessions between one another. So it wasn’t like John had cooler shoes than Luke, and even if he did, he would let Luke wear them as long as he sprayed disinfectant in them afterward. Jesus did not bogart his wine, and Peter often let the other disciples use his PSP.

Luke 3:11
11 He answereth and saith unto them, He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise.

Translation: If you have two Raiders jackets and a 40 of Old English, then pass that blunt to the brother on the left foo.

Jesus and his disciples were a regular bunch of socialists, and Jesus made sure things went right and practiced what he preached. So then why are so many Christians, total capitalist republican swine who want nothing more than to make money and live in houses of grandeur? Well, this is what we call hypocrisy, and I’m sorry it exists. All I know is, they’re going to have a hell of a time passing through the eye of that needle with their gold plated camels.

*illustration by Timmy (Runaway)

The Smoke's On Me

2005-12-10T00:26:00.000-05:00

This just in: Smoking is bad for you.

There, now that we all know this, you can get back to minding your own fucking business. Seriously, when did it become alright to tell a complete stranger that something he's doing is unhealthy? Why is it anyone else's business, specifically some bridge guarding troll of a person, what I do with my body?

Over the last 10 years or so, it's become completely acceptable for strangers to walk up to you and declare that smoking is unhealthy and that you should stop immediately. The real rant here is not that they're incorrect, but that I don't really care. What kind of reaction can someone possibly expect from a statement like, “That's going to kill you!” Is anyone throwing their cigarettes to the ground in disgust? So as long as people can walk up to me and tell me that I'm a douche for smoking (which I already know), I'm going to go ahead and take a few initiatives of my own.

I'm going to start telling people that they're horrible parents for buying their children large amounts of candy or sugary drinks. Teenage diabetes is fantastic.

I'm going to start letting everyone driving and SUV that they're helping to kill the planet and that they too are horrible people.

I'm going to let the majority of old people know that they shouldn't be driving and that they pose a greater risk of maiming somebody on the open road than most of the asshole high school drivers.

Are these, in reality, good things to do? The answer is, or at least should be, a resounding “No.” Sure, I think most SUV drivers are complete assholes and I cringe when someone comes up to the checkout counter with a 25 pound bag of Sour Skittles, but I keep my complaints to myself. I don't force my beliefs onto anyone else, especially in a case where my opinion means absolutely nothing to the other person.

So next time you see me outside smoking, whether it's good natured or not, just hold your tongue. I might kill you in a nicotine, tar, and carbon monoxide fueled rage.

"Interview with Happycat" by N.S. Barnes

2005-12-04T22:53:00.000-05:00

NSB: So Happycat, I want to thank you for sitting down for this interview with me today. I know how busy your schedule is, and I just want you to know that we really appreciate it.

HC: *smiles while sitting motionless

NSB: Hahaha, that’s pretty funny. I had no idea Gene Hackman was into that sort of thing. Okay, first off, I understand you’re now dating Minnie Driver.

HC: *smiles while sitting motionless

NSB: Oh wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. Now let’s talk about something that happened recently. You were on the Today Show with Matt Lauer and you really railed on him about psychology. Do you still stand by your statements?

HC: *smiles while sitting motionless

NSB: Ah I see. So how long have you been a Scientologist?

HC: *smiles while sitting motionless

NSB: Well, hopefully that DC-6 will take you back home soon so you can get even with Xenu.

HC: *smiles while sitting motionless

NSB: So any future plans? I hear you’re doing an album with 50 Cent.

HC: *smiles while sitting motionless

NSB: Yeah I understand, well I want to thank you very much for taking time with us.

HC: *smiles while sitting motionless

NSB: Hahahaha, that’s hilarious. Sure you can have a hug.

"Origin of the Feces" by N.S. Barnes

2005-11-20T02:34:00.000-05:00

You know who I don't like? Pat Robertson. Pat and I probably wouldn't get along to well anyhow so I suppose it's alright. I can see it now, me and Pat sitting at a Baptist barbecue. He has on that phony ear to ear stupid fucking grin of his, and asks me, "So Seth, do you believe in God?"

I look up from my delicious fried chicken, and reply, "No, not really Pat. But I think it's fine that you do."
His grin stays in place, "Well, Seth you know that makes me sad that you've chosen the lake of fire as your eternal resting place, and the town you live in will probably be struck by a divine natural disaster that will kill many innocent people."
"Well, we'll see now won't we Pat."
"We sure will Seth, Do you also believe in evolution?"
"I don't believe it, I accept it.
Pat's grin doesn't twitch at all. "Well you know that evolution is against what it says in the bible..."
"Well Pat, the bible is against scientific evidence."
"There's tons of evidence for creationism Seth. Like the Grand Canyon."
"The Grand Canyon is not evidence for creationism Pat."
Pat keeps grinning, "Well how do you know, are you a geologist?"
"Yes Pat I am."
"Oh I see."
"Dude stop fucking grinning! It's creeping me out."
At that moment Pat's eye pops out and reveals one of those red Terminator eyes....

Yeah, Pat's a creationist alright, and he's not above threatening your town with the wrath of God if you aren't. Now I really don't care what you believe about the origin of the universe or life on Earth. You can throw all logic and reason out the window, and believe whatever the hell you want. If you keep it in your house and church, and to yourself unless I agree to an open debate, then I'm cool with it.

Threatening my town, and my life, and all my posessions with an earthquake however, just affirms your total lunacy and misunderstanding of nature altogether, and is completely uncalled for. First of all, while the bible details what happens when your benevolent lord gets pissed off at a certain group of people, I seriously doubt you're suppose to be going around acting as God's up to the minute press secretary. Secondly, if your god is going to throw lightning bolts at me for trusting observed facts, experiments and laws of nature, why is he doing nothing about some of the bigger jack offs on this planet? Am I really his main concern at this point?

So to Pat and the rest of his pack, I just want to say that you guys are just giving your particular faith a bad name. And while you're cheering for hurricanes to hit the U.S., so are the Muslim fundamentalists. Maybe you should invite them to the next barbecue, Pat, I think you guys would have a blast.

"Shitbull" by N.S. Barnes

2005-11-14T23:22:00.000-05:00

There's been a lot of news lately about Pitbulls. You know, those mean fucking dogs that bit your arm on the way to school and earned you a scar and a tetnus shot? Yeah those ones. The ones who one minute are wagging their tails and smiling and then the next are snarling and wishing to the Dog God that the chain would snap so he could rip into your jugular vein. Yeah you're getting an image by now I'm sure.

There are several cities, Denver is one of them, that have outlawed these lovable pups entirely. San Francisco is ordering that all Pit Bull males and females be neutered and spayed, respectively of course. I for one, as a Pitbull attack survivor could not agree more. I hate these fucking things. Which is why I own a Dalmatian. A cute little spotted, oh yes she's so pretty, yes she's a good dog, what a cute little puppy yes she's such a good girl, come here puppy, yes you're a good puppy......

I've heard the arguments from Pitbull owners. "Oh it depends on how you raise them.", "Any dog can be mean and threatening." But I don't buy it. I witnessed the bipolar nature of these beasts first hand. I was walking home from school, I was in the 8th grade. I was walking down an alley that I always took. Little did I know that I was going to have my skin punctured by a vicious mass of muscle and teeth. Without any warning or provocation he ran up, attached himself to my left arm. Not knowing what the hell hit me, I punched him in the nose with my right fist. He detached and growled as I ran off toward home and a subsequent hospital visit, and an interview with the police. I still have four canine scars on my upper left arm as a result.

Was this dog trained to do this? No, it was pure instinct. I doubt indeed that my precious dalmatian would ever do such a thing., Yes she's such a good dog, come her you're such a pretty puppy yes you are, yes good puppy, such a pretty nice doggy yes she is, what a good dog....

I mean, look at Sigfried and Roy, or better yet, look at just Roy. They take great pride in taking care and training their tigers. But in one quick instant, Roy looked like a helpless gazelle in the eyes of that kitty. Tigers haven't been bred to be pets, or nice or get along with kids. They're fucking Tigers. With pitbulls it's just a matter of what gene is still left on in their primordial canine minds. The "Attack The 8th Grader" gene is still firmly on in the minds of these monstrous beasties. It is not on in the mind of my special puppy yes come here, yes you're a special puppy aren't you? Yes you are, who's my special puppy? You are, yes you're my special puppy......

So look, if you think a pitbull is safe around the general public because you "raised" it properly, then perhaps I should be able to get a timber wolf, or a fucking Alaskan Brown Bear, raise it gently and let it loose around your kids. Until then, snip your psycho pooche's nutsack, and keep it on a steel chain. As for my dog, she's a nice pretty puppy yes she is she's such a special puppy, come here Dot, yes you're a good dog, yes you're a special doggy, and you're a pretty puppy too, yes you're so pretty.

"Looney Poons" by N.S. Barnes

2005-11-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

Now I'm not trying to judge anyone on this we all have our own special quirks that make us unique and all, but seriously, do people honestly get aroused by watching cartoon porn? This has to be the oddest thing I've seen in the pornworld and the cartoonworld. Are people actually having sexual fantasies about two dimensional drawings?

The answer is a resounding Yes. There's actually a whole market for this stuff, and it ranges from soft to fucking bizzarre. Of course with the advances in animation, the sky is only the starting point not just the limit.

I suppose the biggest mystery to me is, how can one get turned on by watching a cartoon? It's not real! And I'm not talking fake booby unreal; I mean it's totally intangible. I realize people have sexual fantasies, but to every fantasy there's some element of reality, at least for me. It is possible to imagine that someday I'm going to order a pizza and it's going to be delivered by a pair of blonde asian women wearing leather girl scout uniforms. At least the elements themselves exist...somewhere.

But conjuring up a fantasy about cartoons is like building a doghouse out of unicorns. It simply isn't going to happen. I'm sorry, but you're never going to score with Jessica Rabbit. You can never nail Strawberry Shortcake. And you will certainly not, under any circumstances, have group sex with the Care Bears, ever. But what do I know, I wasn't on Growing Pains.

Nobody Expects the NeoCon Inquistion! by N.S. Barnes

2005-11-05T19:26:00.000-05:00

So Cheney made a futile plea to Senators to reject a proposition by John McCain to ban torture.

From Yahoo News

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney made an unusual personal appeal to Republican senators this week to allow CIA exemptions to a proposed ban on the torture of terror suspects in U.S. custody, according to participants in a closed-door session.
Cheney told his audience the United States doesn't engage in torture, these participants added, even though he said the administration needed an exemption from any legislation banning "cruel, inhuman or degrading" treatment in case the president decided one was necessary to prevent a terrorist attack.

Luckily the provision to ban such tripe was voted in. Only 9 senators (all Republican) voted in against the measure. 90 senators voted for it. One senator from New Jersey, slept in, and didn't vote. In case you're wondering, that's 90 people Cheney has to tell to go fuck themselves.
Some folks might see an advantage to being able to physically coherse suspects to prevent another 9/11. I'm sure a lot of people feel that if there's a chance to prevent the loss of American life, they don't care how the information is obtained. And if it means hooking an A-rab's testicles up to a corroded car battery, then so be it.

But listen, torture by it's very nature is meant to control another human being by placing them under excrutiating pain or stress. This doesn't mean you always get what you want. I think most fair minded people would agree that if you hit smash someone's thumbs with a pipe wrench while playing LFO in the background, they'll tell you they started the Great Chicago Fire.

How is this suppose to help? We could be gaining nothing more than misinformation from a guy who just wants the electricity to his nutsack to stop. We would also be setting another great example, not only will we invade your country for no good reason whatsoever, but we will also torture you with impunity and no due process, truly the opposite of what this country is suppose to stand for. Instead of being a beacon of hope, we'll be Joe Pesci in Casino.

Torture is banned by the Geneva Convention, and by our Bill of Rights. And it's outlawed for a reason. It's cruel, inhumane, barbaric, and ineffective. I'd like to personally thank those senators Democrat and Republican alike for enacting this mandate. And to those 9 Republicans who voted against this, I think you need to quit reading Scooter Libby Novels.

The 9 Senators who voted against the measure to ban the use of torture by the CIA:

Allard (R-CO)
Bond (R-MO)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Roberts (R-KS)
Sessions (R-AL)
Stevens (R-AK)

Odds and Ends

2005-10-31T20:41:00.000-05:00

I hate to bump Seth's awesome rant down when the discussion is going so well, but I just have to share this little tidbit I just stumble upon. I'm an avid gambler, as many of my friends and family already know. Right now I'm big on sports bets, though that focus often changes. I have an account on SportsBook.com and have been steadily losing money since the start of the NFL season. I just logged in this evening to place a wager on the Steelers - Ravens affair later and stumbled across a wagering line on Karl Rove. KARL FUCKING ROVE.

Future Wager	10/31/05 19:54 ET
1.00/1.00	Result: Pending
Karl Rove - Will he be Dismissed / Resign from White House
No	11/15/05 (20:00 ET) 1-1

So there, if Karl Rove is still in da house on November 15th, my ass is winning a dollar. Welcome to crazyworld.

Groaning Pains By N.S. Barnes

2005-10-30T19:18:00.000-05:00

So last night I was flipping channels and landed on the religous right wing wacko network run by Pat Robertson.

I suppose the reason I landed there was that I saw something very interesting. 80's teen heart throb Kirk Cameron (Growing Pains) was cruising through San Francisco trying to convert gay people. I said to myself, "Well holy shit, I have to watch this."

In case you're not familiar with Cameron's work in the last decade, he's since become an advocate for turning people toward a life of Christ, and of course starring in Left Behind, the drama which portrays my dream that someday all the fundamentalist Christians will be taken away from planet Earth, allowing us heathens to run it. See, I have no problems with Christians, we both want the same thing!

Anyhow, Kirk was cruising through the City by the Bay talking with various homosexuals and letting them know that their sin of being a fag is on equal par with sins like lying, and murder. Cause let's face it folks, when two consenting adult men decide that they'd like to bone eachother, it's just as bad as killing another human being. But Kirk was making it clear that homosexuality is a choice, just like murder. You may want to kill someone, but you shouldn't act upon it. You may want to shove your rock hard cock in Vin Diesel's tight asshole, but you shouldn't act upon it. You hear that queers? It's just that easy!

Mr. Cameron was alieviating the debate over whether homosexuality is a product of nature or nurture. Some, perhaps most, Christians feel that homosexuality is unnatural, and is probably caused by a mystical satanic force. Most gay people, and most in the scientific community see homosexuality as an inheireted factor. Kirk was throwing this all out the window and stating that this debate was both null and void in the Kingdom of Heaven, homosexuality is a sin, plain and simple. And gay people should accept Christ, marry a sturdy wide hipped and submissive female and procreate. Because this is what Jesus wants.

I salute Mr. Cameron for making it clear that bible bashing gay people and strapping them to fences in Wyoming is not cool. But the problem I have with this and other "sins" deemed by Christians is that it is not comparable to other sins. I'm sorry if I think that murder, and lying are not even on the same table as homosexuality. Homosexuality between two consenting adults is in most cases victimless. Murder, lying, stealing, ect. all have victims involved. People get hurt when these acts are committed. See where I'm going with this?

I think it was unfair of Cameron, in this regard, to back these various people into a corner on something that is totally unrelated. In fact, here's how he went about this:

He read a list of the Ten Commandments, then asked the practicioner of faggotry to name which ones they were guilty of. They usually admitted to Blasphemy, and Lying. Kirk would then say, "Ok, by your own admission, you are a lying blasphemer. How do you think God will judge you." I suppose my major problem with this approach is, guess what, homosexuality isn't on the list! Kirk had to flip to Corinthians in order to tell them that homosexuality was a sin.

Here's my final thought on this. If homosexuality is such a major crime against God, then why didn't he put it in the Big Ten? If God thought other sins were just as bad or just as equal an abomination, then why does he scatter them throughout the bible when he had a convenient list that he could add to? And seriously, is homosexuality so threatening to the human race that it needs to be deemed just as bad as stoning your brother to death? I don't think so, but what do I know, I wasn't on Growing Pains.

Top Five Things to Do...

2005-10-24T00:05:00.000-04:00

...before your ass gets wasted by Hurricane Wilma:

5.) Ride your fucking bike around town. - Why the hell not?

4.) Go stand on the beach like a giant douchebag. - Where else are you going to ride your bike to?

3.) Drag your offspring. - Uhh...

2.) Watch your dumbass friend drown. - No lifering for you asshole.

1.) Kiss your ass goodbye. - GET THE FUCK INDOORS THERE'S A FUCKING HURRICANE COMING YOU MORON.

Wish me luck!

Citizen McCain

2005-10-10T19:00:00.000-04:00

So, fellow political junkies... do you vote for John McCain in 2008?

This poses a hard question for me, a devout liberal, do you vote for the man or his policies? Though McCain has always been too conservative for my tastes (come over to the dark side, Johnny!) he's easily one of my favorite politicians for no better reason than he says what he means and he does what he says. He get excited about politics and more importantly, he also gets angry. Not unlike another guy I have a great deal of respect for, Howard Dean.

The AP article that sparked this is located here on Yahoo!, but I mainly wanted to raise the question, what would a republican have to do to get your liberal vote or a deomocrat to win over conservatives?

The apple doesn't fall far from the Bush

2005-09-18T19:39:00.000-04:00

Before I discuss the article, I'm going to come out and say that I like Gov. Jeb Bush as a human being. I think that he's a shitty Governor and a shitty politician with shitty policies, but he's a good man and he geniunely seems to care about the people of Florida. Ok, now let's bash his son.

CNN Reports: John Ellis Bush, the youngest son of the aforementioned Gov. was arrested for public intoxication in Austin, TX on Friday Sept. 16th. He was further charged with resisting arrest. Hmm... a Bush arrested for drunkeness, that's a new one. Anyway, bail was posted at $2,500 and Jeb basically told news reporters to shove it when questioned (which I fully support), but hey, if it wasn't for the media what kind of blog entry would this be? Why no blog entry at all, is the answer!

The CNN article also mentiones one of Jeb's daughters who was arrested trying to pass a phony perscription in 2002 for the drug Xanax, the effect of which is described by Erowid.org as, "...euphoria, drowsiness, sedation, a decrease in social inhibitions, and intense relaxation." Maybe if she had shipped a few extra bars up to Uncle George it might have relaxed him enough to keep us out of war.

From My Cold, Dead, Paranoid, and Waterlogged Hands. By N.S. Barnes

2005-09-11T17:14:00.000-04:00

So, they're taking guns away from people in New Orleans. That's right, they are relieving citizens of this country of their firearms and forcibly moving them out. The most outrageous part about this whole Orwellian exercise is that the Right Wing Press hasn't made a big deal about this.

In fact I heard about this on Air America as I was driving home from work. Then I read about it in a local news station website, and then later on the New York Times. I wasn't hearing anything from the Right. Later as the days had passed, I found a small link, buried in the middle of the page about the incident on the NRA's website. What was their top article? "NRA Awards Outstanding Youths $7,500 in Scholarships" I didn't hear anything from Rush, nothing from Michael Savage or Sean Hannity. I didn't see Charlton Heston dawning his Ben Hur outfit and driving his chariot up to the White House and demanding the Second Amendment be avenged. Why not? Is this not exactly what they had been preaching and warning about for years? That the Federal Government was going to invade our homes, and take our guns away. Well, it's happening and they are being more quiet than Michael Brown at an Arabian Horse convention.

Gun ownership and the Second Amendment are afterall one of the cornerstones to the conservative platform. "Don't vote Democrat or they'll take your guns away!" So this should have been a huge shitstorm with Rush, and Hannity, and all the Right Wingers doing all the blowing. Instead it was coming from the Left. How odd, and how appallingly scary.

There are two possibilities as to why the Right Wing Media wasn't making a huge fucking deal about this. One, most of the people were black. Two, George W. Bush is in charge.

Now I can let them slide on number one since they would most likely declare that has nothing to do with it and they are not racist blah blah blah. So we'll tuck that one away. But number two is the main reason. This wasn't Bill Clinton who was in charge, this is King George the Second, the prince of the Right Wing, and neoconservative movement. They simply can't blame him!

You wanted to know when to be scared folks, well this should do it for you. When the conservatives are too apathetic, or frightened to defend one of their most sacred Amendments because a "conservative" is doing everything he can to shit on the Bill of Rights, it's time to be really really scared. Every conservative in this country should be complaining their asses off about this violation, but they aren't. We in the Left have to do it for them. The same Left that was supposedly going to take their guns away in the first place!

That's really the epitomy of this administration and the attitude of the people who support them. George increases the size of the Federal Government ten fold, a huge conservative no-no, and they say, "Good Job George!". Curious George takes power away from state and local governments, "Hey good one Georgey!". And now Gorgeous George has stood by while the military strips homeowners of their constitutional right to bear arms. "What? I didn't see anything like that, George is doing a great job!"

Are these fucking people on Soma or something? Wake the hell up! Your president is twisting your party into a fascist dictatorship. But then again, we on the left knew this all along, and I'm just basking in the irony with my wrist rocket by my side.

"Donat" Holes, by N.S. Barnes

2005-09-11T16:13:00.000-04:00

I was recently reading through the emails that www.whitehouse.org recieved post-Katrina. Whitehouse.org recieves a ton of email everyday from folks both on the left and right who think this is the actual website for the White House. One email in particular struck me and Badfish in the funny bone and the anger bone at the same time.

" DATE = 09/03/2005
SUBJECT = KATRINA
NAME = DONNA
MESSAGE = I WAS GO TO DONAT TO KATRINA, BUT JESSE JACKSON AND THE OTHER BLACK PEOPLE HAD TO SAY WHITE PEOPLE DID NOT CARE, BUT THAT'S JUST IS NOT TRUE AT ALL, WE DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF IT THAT WAY.

SO BECAUSE OF THEM ,WE WILL DRIVE TO TEXAS AND GIVE TO WHITE PEOPLE WHO NEED TO START THEIR LIVES OVER. WE ARE TIRED OF HEARING OF THIS, BECAUSE WE ARE NOT LIKE THAT, BUT TO DAY WE ARE.

SO SAD, SO SAD BUT TRUE."

Badfish does a great audio version of this, and I advise checking it out. He truly captures the ignorance of this individual.

You can tell the frustration this person feels. After all, they are typing in caps, a true sign of simian agression. And the horrible spelling and grammar, says it all as well. But of course the real pinch is the person is saying they were going to give money, but now that one person says something they don't like, they aren't sending any. They are basically saying that Jesse Jackson made them racist, overnight, so they can't give money to black people who are drowning in rancid water.

Sadly I've heard this load of tripe before. After the Tsunami Disaster which killed hundreds of thousands, some U.N. Ambassadors were upset with the lack, or apparent lack of generosity coming from the United States. All over I heard people saying, "Well I was going to give money, but NOT NOW!"

My first immediate thought was, "You're an asshole." Not suprisingly my first thought was correct. Look, if you're going to give charity, do it for the right reasons. You shouldn't do it because you want people to know how generous you are or because you're trying to score God points, you should do it because these are your fellow human beings in a time of crisis. Charity or the lack of it should also not be used as a weapon or punishment either. Philanthropy is a way to tell other folks that you feel bad for their plight and you want to help them out. You can imagine how hard it must be and if you were in their position, you would hope for someone to reach out a helping hand. A helping hand that won't suddenly pull back.

Worrying about what other people say or think when giving to a charitable organization should be the last thing on your mind. So what if the ambassador from Chile says we're being stingy. So what if the Prime Minister of Bali says we can give more. Haven't we, for the last 4.5 years, been a nation who has repeatedly said "We don't care what the world thinks!" I wish that sentiment would have been transferred to charity and not warfare. Unfortunately it was the other way around and has become our attitude about many such issues.

So as people withdrawl their donations because Jesse Jackson or someone else said they needed more help, I say fine. And the next time a disaster hits your beautiful, safe, white suburb, and the people of this nation and the citizens of the world come to your aid, I hope you feel at least a tad bit of shame. So sad, so sad but true.

Olberisthemann

2005-09-08T22:11:00.000-04:00

Keith Obermann's Scathing Remarks on MSNBC

Saw this linked on the Something Awful Forums and had to post it up here. I know everyone is getting tired of the finger pointing in the wake of Katrina, but this shit is both scathing and sobering. It's well worth a watch.

I didn't want to bump my David Duke rant down, but I was so mesmorized by Olbeermann's pounding sarcasm that I watched the video a half dozen times. It's good to hear something like this on television. An honest to goodness thought out criticism of something that nobody is stepping up and taking responsibility for. I enjoyed the clip a lot and hope some other people do as well.

David Duke is a flaming homosexual

2005-09-04T23:49:00.000-04:00

Nothing like a horrific natural disaster to fan the flames of hate, eh guys?

Closet homosexual David Duke has a brand new article up on his stellar racist website entitled New Orleans descends into Africa-like Savagery. Good stuff, let me tell you. Fighting the good fight there Dave. Now, everyone should already know that David Duke is a crazy shitball, but the best part of the whole article linked above is this choice bit from the bottom of the page:

"My offices and home have been damaged by Hurricane Katrina. To help out click this link!"

Sure! Instead of giving money to, you know, the Red Cross or some shit, we're going to help you rebuild your aryan office building. Give me a fucking break.

I wrote David Duke a short letter detailing how I stole eleven cents from a homeless black man and included, in my letter, a check for said eleven cents. The check will go out sometime this week. Let's see if he cashes it.

Gettin' lucky in... Ohio?

2005-08-26T14:21:00.000-04:00

65 of 490 female students at Timken High School is Canton, OH are pregnant. For you math nerds, that's 13% of the female student body with morning sickness. Which begs the question... where was all the sex when I was in high school?

According to school officials, they're not quite sure what has contributed to so many pregnancies. The problem is much more deep rooted if the administration doesn't fully understand the concept of how pregnancies occur. There should be a sex-ed program like D.A.R.E., because we all know how effective that shit is.

The article, in the Canton Repository, which I can't locate right now, blamed video games and TV among other things. It's great to have those two great scapegoats isn't it? "You know, I wouldn't have slept with that dude if I could have just beaten that damn Mario game." "I'm sorry officer, I wouldn't have shot those guys if Everybody Loves Raymond wasn't pre-empted by the presidential debates!"

Yahoo Article Here

Hilarity Ensued

2005-08-13T01:05:00.000-04:00

Snagged again from the local headlines:

A radio station running a contest to fly listeners out to the Fox Network's new show "Prison Break" pitted contestants against each other attempting to hitchhike. The catch? They were dressed as prison escapees. Bright orange jumpsuits, shackles, the works. Driver's by called 911 by the dozens and pretty soon all three men were in real trouble with the law.

I think it's pretty funny that something like this had multiple officers on the scene and backed up traffic on a reportedly busy stretch of road for hours. Well done, radio. Well done.

The full article (which once again is roughly the length of mine sans quotes) can be located here.

I'm a movie nerd

2005-08-02T18:45:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite internet time killers is browsing through the Internet Movie Database, hopping from movie to actor to director in hopes of gaining some new knowledge of acting careers and the like. In college I had set a goal of watching every movie listed in the top 100 ratings list on the IMDB. I had the whole list printed out and everything, but lost track of it somewhere along the line. This was well before my, now two year, stint at Blockbuster.

I've now seen over one third of the list, 36 films total, and 60% of the top ten. I've decided that the top 100 is a noble goal, and I will be using my Netflix account, as well as my free rentals from work, in an attempt to accomplish this before the end of the year. More as it develops!

Bush to Congress: Fuck You

2005-07-31T04:50:00.000-04:00

According to MSNBC, whom I will use for article purposes, and most other major news outlets, Bush is planning on flipping the bird to our Congressional buddies and installing Michael... no... sorry John Bolton as US Ambassador to the United Nations. Apparently he's going to do this just before he goes on a vacation to, you guessed it, Texas!

Some of our democrat friends (and that lovable scamp Jim Jeffords), got together and wrote a real sincere letter to the President, basically explaining why a recess appointment (which will last for another 18 fucking months) is a pretty bad idea. I imagine that Bush probably used this document as a bookmark for Walter: The Farting Dog.

Anyway, clicky here to read more about how Bush is shitting on the political process.

From the local headlines

2005-07-29T14:05:00.000-04:00

According to the Ft. Myers, FL News-Press, a man attempted to board an aircraft at Southwest Florida International Airport with a gun. He was scheduled to fly from Ft. Myers to Greensboro, SC. This happened really early this morning... I wonder if the feds are in town yet.

What kind of idiot attempts to board an airplace with a gun? Forget 9/11 and the war on terror for one minute. Let's pretend as if they never happened for one moment. Is it still acceptable to bring a GUN ABOARD A COMMERCIAL AIRCRAFT? Stuff like this just makes me chuckle. Apparently this douche is being held downtown (which is actually not just a saying in Ft. Myers, but the physical location of the county jail), being interrogated under a single lightbulb. I imagine this is going to be a very long day for him.

You can read less about it here: Man arrested at airport

He Totally Does

2005-07-27T22:42:00.000-04:00

I have some new silicon bracelets on sale. They say "Satan Rules". I'm selling them for $5 a pop, mailed to your door. If you're interested send me an IM on AIM, studsandglue. Inspirational!

Warp Drive, Standing By...

2005-07-21T22:52:00.000-04:00

In Memory Of
James Doohan
1920-2005

Forumite, OldTimer was indeed the first to alert me to the sad news of James Doohan's passing. Doohan was famous for his role as Montgomery Scott on Star Trek (The Original Series), as well as a number of Trek movies and guest roles on subsequent incarnations of the show. Scott was always the miracle working engineer, restoring warp drive and rerouting power to the impulse engines, though he was never asked to beam anyone up until Star Trek moved from TV to the big screen. Though I was never offered the chance to meet Mr. Doohan, from the stories told all over the net today, a truly good man has passed.

President Clinton II: The Legend of Curly's Gold

2005-07-19T01:45:00.000-04:00

Here's some brief news clips that I find funny... or just had a funny title for.

I heard the sex was insane!

Debra Lafave is claiming she was too stressed out by the rigors of being a middle school reading teacher to know that sexing up a 14 year old student was wrong. Quoth her attorney John Fitzgibbons, “To place an attractive young woman in that kind of hell hole is like putting a piece of raw meat in with the lions. I'm not sure she would survive."

More (Yahoo!)

Pope Obvious IV

This just in: Vacations are fun and a great way to get away. Well said, New Pope, well said. “[Vacation] has become almost a necessity to recover in body and spirit, especially for those who live in the city where the often frenetic conditions of life leave little space for silence and reflection.” Thanks for the blessing, Ben.

More (Yahoo!)

Exposing Her Warchest

Hillary Clinton is getting ready to duke it out with nobody for the '06 New York senate seat. She was able to pull together six million dollars over the last few month. If she remains (by all accounts) unopposed it could open the door for the 2008 democratic nomination. Bill would make the best first lady ever.

More (CNN)

Kendo Stick vs. Baseball Bat

2005-07-15T23:26:00.000-04:00

Repost from the forum. Thought it deserved some front page attention.

Another day at Blockbuster...

I was pricing some PRP (Previously rented product [shit that was once for rent and is now going for sale]) around 6 today, casually staring out the front windows of my store. "That Taco Bell I had today is giving me heartburn," I thought as the Taco Bell I had was giving me heartburn. A silver honda civic pulled up to the stop sign fifteen feet in front of me out in the parking lot.

Suddenly, an old red cutlass flies past the civic going the opposite direction and slams the breaks. Oh shit. A white dude in a black backward baseball cap jumps out, holding a grey Louisville Slugger behind his back and starts screaming something that was unfortunately inaudible through the 1/8 plexiglass in front of me. I pop a $9.99 sticker on copy of 'Man on Fire'. This is going to be good.

A tall black dude hops out of the civic along with two of his friends. He is lean and muscular, wearing a dark grey tank top. "This white dude is about to get fucked up," I think to myself, as I muse how the white dude was about to get fucked up. The two stand 20 feet apart and are having quite the heated arguement, possibly about the last presidential election. The white dude slips the bat out from behind his back and grey tanktop immediately opens up the back door of his car and pulls out... you guessed it: a kendo stick. Having completely forgotten about the copy of 'Stuck On You' in front of me I reach for the telephone and dial 911. 7 rings later, someone picks up.

In the meantime, baseball bat has handed off the bat to another one of the guys he's been driving with, the short shirtless black guy, with some killer dreads. Dreadlocks isn't quite as shy as Ball Cap, and approaches Kendo Stick. They exchange some more shouts, possibly about the wellfare state. At this point 911 has picked up and I narrate as Dreadlocks backs up and takes a swing. The back window of the civic shatters and glass goes everywhere. I hear the dull thump, safely behind my plexiglass aquarium.

I turn frantically to my cashiers and realize that nearly everyone in the store is enthralled, standing mouths agape at the front of the store. "Get the plates on these cars guys!" I yell, wanting them to take down the license plates of the cars. Dreadlocks is still yelling at Kendo Stick, who is trying to keep his cool. I muse to myself that he must practice martial arts and is able to restrain himself. Dreadlocks hops in the car with Ball Cap and is gone. Kendo Stick is not far behind, leaving a pile of shattered tempered glass in the parking lot.

We got both the plate numbers and gave them to the 911 operator. Police cars screamed down the road 3 minutes later. I carefully placed a $6.99 on 'Laws of Attraction'. Just another day at Blockbuster.

Anarchy Means I Litter

2005-07-15T02:45:00.000-04:00

Greetings from Blogland. I've been wanted to adopt blogger for a while now in hopes that it would make it easier for Seth to post his awesome rants, most of which I don't have time to format and put on the site. Seth is the Mighty Ducks to my Team Iceland. Anyway, I digress.

For once, the format of the site is not changing. I hope all twelve of you reading this can rest easy. I am, however, expanding some of the discussion to include any and all major news stories and not simply focusing on politics. It's hard to dig up political discussion in the dry season, and there's a lot of other stuff that just as easy to complain about.

As always, I thank everyone for staying tuned. Space Potato quietly celebrated it's 6th birthday in June, which I personally find amazing and somewhat reaffirming. I consider everyone who comes here and posts on the forum a friend, many of whom I would have never met if it had not been for the little website that could.