Space Potato

Dear Customers,

I think it's really great that you decided to come into my store. Hell, without you, I wouldn't have a job, but there are a few things I think we should talk about. I'm going to go ahead and itemize them in this letter, just for you.

1.) If your kid is having a tantrum in the middle of the aisle you have one of two options. Give them what they want or take them outside. There is no "ignore it" option, you ignorant prick.

2.) On this subject. If your child touches any food or beverage item to their mouth, you're going to fucking pay for it. This is especially true if there are bites missing. Just because they put it back doesn't mean I didn't see them eat it.

3.) Specific to Blockbuster, I know, but if it's not on the fucking shelf, it's not in. Get over it, get something else, and move on.

4.) I know the prices suck, but myself and my staff of acne ridden teenagers have no input whatsoever on that topic. That concern is best directed at the nearest wall.

5.) I don't care how your day is going. I might ask and hell, sometimes I might even seem interested. Protip: It's because I'm paid to seem interested. I don't care about the death in the family, your herpes flare up, or little Timmy vomiting all over the first base umpire. Get your shit, follow my simple directions, and get the fuck out.

6.) Listen, comprehend, then ask your question. When asked to hit the green button to accept your credit card purchase, it's probably best not to ask which one the green button is. Protip: Colorblind individuals can disreguard this example.

7.) Your trash is not my trash. Though you may just throw your empty packs of Redman on the floor next to the switch you beat your wife with at home, throw it in the fucking trash can at my establishment.

8.) When you are on your cellphone at checkout, I will go out of my way to ask you as many questions as obnoxiously loud as I can. If you give me the "one second" hand motion I will ask the next person in line to approach the counter. Hang up and call them back you rude fuck.

9.) I have a more severe loathing of you than my cashiers do. Go ahead and ask to speak to the manager. You'll find more sympathy from them than you will with me.

10.) I'm impressed that you can spray a shit fountain halfway up the wall and nearly approaching the ceiling, but let's try not to do that so much in my bathrooms.

11.) If you knock something over, break something, pick something up you actually didn't want, or spill anything in the store, do your best to clean it up. I saw you put it back where it didn't belong and now I hate you and everyone who looks like you.

12.) Have what you need ready when you get to the counter. When I ask for payment, it's best to know how you're going to pay and avoid staring at me like I just kicked your grandmother in the crotch. Have your method of payment out along with any other coupons or discount cards right at the start.

13.) There is a handle on the door for a reason, use it to both open and hold open the door for others.

14.) Let me finish the job I'm doing before I start helping you. If I'm handling another customer hold your excrement for another 30 seconds before asking for the restroom key. If I have a giant stack of stock that I'm carrying to be put back, let me fucking put it back and don't ask me where something is located.

15.) Find your own god damn phone to use. The one I have here is mine and it's a huge pain in the ass to let you use it.

And finally and most importantly,

16.) Your children are not allowed in the store by themselves. Period.

I hope that we maybe understand each other a little better now. I know that I feel good just discussing some issues that you need to work on. Hell, at least our lines of communication are open and unfettered. I'll put an extra special surprise in your bag next time I see you in the store.

Love,
Badfish