Space Potato

Bill Frist is a medical doctor, just like Howard Dean. Unlike Howard Dean though, Bill Frist is a quack. A looney dishonest quack who masturbates while thinking about all the stocks he has in insurance and pharmaceutical companies. "Oh yeah Pfizer, you know how to turn me on, oh hey Merck, when did you show up? Join the party, oh yeah, there you go, don't be afraid now, it could be your friend..." Yep, that's what it sounds like to the person with his ear to Bill Frist's senate office door after 8 PM when Senator Ted Stevens finishes taking a dump on a picture of an endangered Musk Oxen.

During the whole Terri Schiavo ordeal, Bill Frist decided to play doctor, and toss the Hippocratic Oath out his window where it landed on a baby caribou that Ted Stevens had strategically placed below it. Yep, Dr. Frist was in the office and he was going to get involved and save this already brain dead woman's soul.

"But how?" he muttered.

Senator Ted Stevens butted in, "How about we drill ANWR?"

"Not now Ted, that isn't going to do anything." he replied with annoyance. Stevens had been on him about this ANWR thing for months now. Dr. Frist had bigger mammals to fry.

"Alright Bill, fine, I've got an idea, but if I tell you about it, you have to help me drill in ANWR and create an ecological disaster area the likes of which the world has never seen. It'll make Exxon Valdez look like that semen stain on your Pfizer Stock Certificate that you sold at just the right time."

"Okay Ted, what do you have in mind?"

The next day Senator Stevens showed up with a video of Terri Schiavo lingering in her bed.

"Alright Bill, here's what you do, you watch the video, and then tell everyone you're a doctor and..."

"But Ted, I am a doctor."

"Right, whatever Bill. So anyway, you make a diagnosis based solely on this videotape, and tell everyone she's clearly alive."

"Jeepers Ted, that's a great idea!"

So Frist did a video examination which borders on voodoo science. The very next year, Ted got his Christmas present. A rider on a military funding bill that would allow drilling in ANWR. Ted was so excited that he bit the head off of an Arctic Fox.

But there was trouble afoot, and the lousy Grinch Kerry pulled out the rule book and stated that a rider like ANWR had no place on a military spending bill. Ted ranted and raved, and shot a polar bear with a crossbow.

"Do something Bill!"

But Frist was left weak from sagging poll numbers, and Ted did not get his permission to drill.

Still, to this day, some people claim they still hear Ted Stevens cursing the name of Bill Frist, and micro waving migratory bird eggs in his office.